When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
You Might Also Like
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog