That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
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Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x