I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
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Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant