The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My patience has stretch marks.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Just got to our Airbnb!
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit