I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
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[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
black phone good
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
The first one, obviously
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.