Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
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You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
We avoided this particular disaster
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.