Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
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I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills