I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
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I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.