“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
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7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯