HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
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Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
My first child will be named New Folder.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
sugar glider wrangler
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!