it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
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*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I missed you with all my darts
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.