niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
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This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Bit chilly again tonight.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*