rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
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going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.