Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
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Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Are we there yet?…
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Your honor these allegations are
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?