Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
You Might Also Like
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
okay run it by me one more time
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.