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If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.