WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
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I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork