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Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell