Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
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You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.