5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
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My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.