No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
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I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.