When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
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A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Just me and my debit card against the world
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.