Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
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The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”