How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.