Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
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Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.