When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
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My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Ghost costume 😂
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester