Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
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[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad