If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
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If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Who chose this font
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.