him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
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This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.