Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
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A flock of dads is called a grill.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
A duv-egg? In this economy?
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.