The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
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What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations