I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
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Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude