shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
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Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
haha same
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.