*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
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“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice