Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
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Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
A flock of dads is called a grill.