HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
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me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.