4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
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WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.