Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
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Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Legend 🤣🤣
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT