Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
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Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Happy weekend !
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]