If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
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I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
My dog ate my work from home.