[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
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You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.