waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
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Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!