I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
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I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
seems like a niche market
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.