Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
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I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Trying
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry