[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
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If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human