I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
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Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
gm
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
cyclists
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me