Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
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Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.