imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
You Might Also Like
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
CRYING
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
OMG 🤣🤣
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt