one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
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Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
New Tinder profile.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up