Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
You Might Also Like
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Oh we’ve met.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
How it started: How it’s going:
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy